Another reason for lucid dreaming but not a good one

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theturtle
Posts: 16
Joined: 22 Oct 2012 06:07

Another reason for lucid dreaming but not a good one

Postby theturtle » 02 Nov 2012 00:36

As someone with OCD and a masochistic desire to be miserable I have come up with an obsession that I was acting on until my parents intervened.

I intentionally deprived myself of sleep with the faint hope (it shouldn't be a hope) of inducing psychosis. I was actually hoping to develop some kind of disorder as a result of extreme acute sleep deprivation. My parents caught me and have been forcing me to sleep.

Every single dream I have had has been related to this desire but I had to stop my dream journal during the time I was intentionally not sleeping. If you don't sleep you don't dream and that lack of REM sleep was intended to scramble my brain after a couple of days.


It makes me want to lucid dream more but for a bad reason. It makes me want to lucid dream due to the risk of it confusing me. It makes me want to use it to blur my dream and waking worlds until I don't know which is which.


I know it sounds backwards for me to desire bad things and to want to be miserable. Why is such a bad thing desirable? I know I'll probably never have it and that makes me upset even though having it would make me upset which means I'm upset no matter what. I actually decided to try something for the slim chance. I've been thinking of trying dangerous amounts of caffeine even though I know it won't do what I want it to do. I'm not at a great risk. Even if I put myself through extreme torture it won't happen but the desire is very strong so I am very tempted to try everything I can think of.


I ended up missing some dream journal entries trying one thing though. I have been thinking of using lucid dreaming as another method. Maybe it will help distort things.


It's not a good reason for lucid dreaming but I thought maybe I could use it for a stupid reckless purpose.

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Mezz
Posts: 17
Joined: 15 Sep 2012 01:10
Location: Toronto, Canada

Re: Another reason for lucid dreaming but not a good one

Postby Mezz » 14 Nov 2012 08:14

It's good that you recognize these habits as harmful. However, if you're finding you want to do these harmful things and can't really stop yourself, you may want to consider therapy. If you go to a therapist, they are able to help you channel your desires into more productive uses.

This is of course not something someone can force you into, but if you're serious about wanting to make improvements in your life, I think it is something to think about. Chat with a trusted doctor, or someone else you think you can trust, who can help set you up with a good therapist.

As for wanting dreaming/lucid dreaming to blur your perception of reality, I'm not sure that would actually work. Yes, hallucinating might have that effect, but from my limited experience with lucid dreaming, this wouldn't give you that feeling. Essentially, you can feel a difference between being asleep and awake, even if while asleep you're sometimes convinced you're awake.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck with whatever you chose to do!
We are the makers of music, and we are the dreamers of dreams.

theturtle
Posts: 16
Joined: 22 Oct 2012 06:07

Re: Another reason for lucid dreaming but not a good one

Postby theturtle » 29 Nov 2012 23:26

Mezz wrote:It's good that you recognize these habits as harmful. However, if you're finding you want to do these harmful things and can't really stop yourself, you may want to consider therapy. If you go to a therapist, they are able to help you channel your desires into more productive uses.

This is of course not something someone can force you into, but if you're serious about wanting to make improvements in your life, I think it is something to think about. Chat with a trusted doctor, or someone else you think you can trust, who can help set you up with a good therapist.

As for wanting dreaming/lucid dreaming to blur your perception of reality, I'm not sure that would actually work. Yes, hallucinating might have that effect, but from my limited experience with lucid dreaming, this wouldn't give you that feeling. Essentially, you can feel a difference between being asleep and awake, even if while asleep you're sometimes convinced you're awake.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck with whatever you chose to do!


I haven't been on this site for a while because I've been in therapy. Yes I am having difficulty stopping myself and I'm thinking of every possible way to make myself develop psychosis.


The therapist sounds dismissive as if I can just change my thoughts and desires when they're being distorted by my OCD and depression. She is an advocate of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy but I don't find it helpful.


My parents know of my desire because I have tried to acted on it and now I feel pressured to not act on it but it is still hard to resist. On Friday six days ago I secretly bought some Salvia Divinorium and I plan to use it the next time I have the house to myself. I might just stay up tonight and do it in the middle of the night. It's a powerful hallucinogen and if I'm lucky I might react poorly and it could get me what I want but it probably won't. I'm still going to try everything. If I could hire someone to torture me or brainwash me I would. If I ever find out about a destructive cult I'll join it in the hopes that my experience in it leaves me with permanent delusions.


I have gone off my Seroquel which helps me sleep and is supposed to keep my OCD under control but it isn't working anymore. It's also supposed to prevent me from becoming hyper as a result of my ADHD. The reason I have gone off it was for the purpose of staying up. It's not easy to fool my parents while they're watching me taking my pills but I remove the pills from the doset ahead of time and then I pretend to grab the pills that really aren't there and I fake putting them in my mouth. I then drink my water and reveal that my mouth is empty. The section for the day is also empty as if I took them but I'm really just hiding them in my room.



I'm so determined to do whatever I can in the hopes of developing psychosis because the obsessive desire has really gotten to me. I know I probably won't get it no matter what I do. I'm not genetically predisposed but I've been given hope from meeting someone that developed permanent psychotic symptoms without having any relatives that experienced the same thing. If I do everything possible and I still don't get it I'll probably kill myself.



I know I'm expected to make the non-destructive choice but I just can't do that. It doesn't seem desirable. I only feel any motivation to try and provoke the development of a psychotic disorder. I don't feel any motivation to go to school, get a job, have a romantic relationship, or do any other things that I should normally want to do. It's all been replaced by my desire to develop psychosis and it's gotten to the point where I don't even want to feel better even though my family and everyone I know wants me to.



On a positive note I thought I came close to lucid dreaming but I haven't had any progress since that moment. It seems like I was already on the edge of REM sleep and about to wake up. I'm not sure if I was awake or not when I had the thought that I was dreaming but the dream disappeared and it never became vivid. It stayed like a normal dream I just had the thought that I was dreaming right before everything disappeared and I ended up awake with my eyes still closed.


That's why I came back. I thought I'd mention that small victory. I also wanted to post a non-lucid dream that I had as soon as I stopped taking my Seroquel. I haven't been getting much sleep but the one time I accidently fell asleep I had the strangest dream. My dream was probably so weird because the medication wasn't in my system and I was more hyperactive than usual. I dreampt that I chose to become a spider and then I turned into a seal and got captured by poachers before being put in the zoo and then I turned into a small bird. I've never actually "been an animal" in a dream and even though it wasn't lucid it was amazing.


I'm not going to sleep tonight though and I'm going to smoke some Salvia if I can get away with it.

theturtle
Posts: 16
Joined: 22 Oct 2012 06:07

Re: Another reason for lucid dreaming but not a good one

Postby theturtle » 30 Nov 2012 08:30

I just failed I'm such a newbie. This is off topic but I'm on my 23rd consecutive hour awake from 3 am yesterday morning until 2am tonight. Everybody is asleep right now and I'm risking hanging out downstairs to avoid getting bored even though someone could wake up and find me.

Anyway I decided to put the Salvia part of my plan into action but I only just got this idea when I've been trying to damage myself.

I'd never smoked anything before and I followed the steps I've heard but I failed. I had a bubbler that I filled with some water. I packed the bowl, held the carb, lit the salvia, drew in the smoke, and held my breath for five seconds.

I think I unplugged the carb at the wrong time. I'm such an idiot. Somehow I did inhale some smoke and I did cough but nothing happened. I was so messy I think I let most of it escape by releasing the carb at the wrong time and I didn't get enough. I'm embarrassed to even admit that. I have no idea what I'm doing.



I'm still continuing with the rest of my plan and I'm going to be awake for at least 70 consecutive hours and hopefully more. If I'm awake the whole weekend I can get up to 96 hours by 3 am Monday. This is getting off the topic of lucid dreaming so I think I should just stop talking.

theturtle
Posts: 16
Joined: 22 Oct 2012 06:07

Re: Another reason for lucid dreaming but not a good one

Postby theturtle » 30 Nov 2012 09:12

I've done some reading and I might need to stay awake longer than I thought. 5 or 6 days is what I should aim for. That means instead of 96 hours I need between 120 and 144 hours of consecutive wakefulness.

It seems I probably won't experience psychotic symptoms until around that time. There's no way to know for sure. Everybody's different but I realize I could require more sleep deprivation than I first thought.


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