Er, Hi?

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DAL_nug
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Re: Er, Hi?

Postby DAL_nug » 12 Oct 2017 01:42

LDer Charles wrote:I'm not sure if your situation is anything like that but I really want to thank you because you raising my awareness of how those harsh inner voices still operate
[...]
So I want to thank you so much because until I read your post I was so blind to my own inner critic beating me up every time I forgot a dream.


Oh dang, no problem man
I've been trying my hardest with combatting the self-judgement myself but i'm just barely fending it off as of now. I stay very conscious about almost all of my situations when it comes to emotional and mental stuff, but i'm kind of stuck as a spectator while my psyche kicks itself to a pulp, and it feels terrible. This is only when I don't have much choice on the situation though, cause apparently for a 16-year old I have a lot of self-control. I have high-functioning Autism (Aspergers) and I had to learn how to control myself; only in the last few years i've been able to actually get a hold of it, but doing so doesn't stop it from bucking. My situation is actually surprisingly similar to yours; I tend to exacerbate the situation to the point I panic and then beat myself up over the terrible results. Unlike you though, i've actually been conscious of the problem for as long as I can remember. It honestly sucks that i'm so stuck in my own mind and don't have as much control as I should- when I barely have any, even just answering a yes or no question or getting up from a chair can prove annoyingly difficult because of how stupidly powerful this inner voice is. My mind is still developing and i'm not even out of puberty yet, so it's probably a lot harder to maintain a stable mind than it should be. I'm glad I was able to help you realize how harsh your inner voices still are, it makes me feel happy that I was able to benefit your life in some way or another
Also, thanks about my profile picture, I only made it in about 10 seconds but I guess it works good enough
Hi, I have deep, unmoving, unrelentingly cruel emotional problems topped with only a small smidge of confidence and a big heaping dollop of no self-esteem; don't forget the side order of self-deprecation!

LDer Charles
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Joined: 09 Oct 2017 13:40

Re: Er, Hi?

Postby LDer Charles » 13 Oct 2017 00:47

DAL_nug wrote:
LDer Charles wrote:I'm not sure if your situation is anything like that but I really want to thank you because you raising my awareness of how those harsh inner voices still operate
[...]
So I want to thank you so much because until I read your post I was so blind to my own inner critic beating me up every time I forgot a dream.


Oh dang, no problem man
I've been trying my hardest with combatting the self-judgement myself but i'm just barely fending it off as of now. I stay very conscious about almost all of my situations when it comes to emotional and mental stuff, but i'm kind of stuck as a spectator while my psyche kicks itself to a pulp, and it feels terrible. This is only when I don't have much choice on the situation though, cause apparently for a 16-year old I have a lot of self-control. I have high-functioning Autism (Aspergers) and I had to learn how to control myself; only in the last few years i've been able to actually get a hold of it, but doing so doesn't stop it from bucking. My situation is actually surprisingly similar to yours; I tend to exacerbate the situation to the point I panic and then beat myself up over the terrible results. Unlike you though, i've actually been conscious of the problem for as long as I can remember. It honestly sucks that i'm so stuck in my own mind and don't have as much control as I should- when I barely have any, even just answering a yes or no question or getting up from a chair can prove annoyingly difficult because of how stupidly powerful this inner voice is. My mind is still developing and i'm not even out of puberty yet, so it's probably a lot harder to maintain a stable mind than it should be. I'm glad I was able to help you realize how harsh your inner voices still are, it makes me feel happy that I was able to benefit your life in some way or another
Also, thanks about my profile picture, I only made it in about 10 seconds but I guess it works good enough



Thanks for sharing. Yeah sometimes hearing someone else describe something they are going through helps me realize something I'm also going through. I was never diagnosed with autism because I never went for a diagnosis but I've always related a lot when I've heard about what it's like. Well I'm pretty tired now so just browsing the forms a little bit before going to sleep and hopefully having some dream recall and some lucid dreams!

I guess one of the big things is that I'm realizing it's okay to make mistakes while learning and to learn at my own pace. I don't have to expect myself to already be a master Lucid Dreamer. In fact I don't even mind if my dreams aren't lucid that often I really just like dreaming and then waking up and thinking about my dreams.

And yeah I like your avatar. I think that's cool that you made it yourself. What does it mean?

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DAL_nug
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Re: Er, Hi?

Postby DAL_nug » 13 Oct 2017 02:23

It's just kind of a caricature of myself holding a pointed index finger against the general area of my chin, not really anything meaningful.
On a slight change of topic, just today I've finally drawn something which I was instantly proud of. And somehow just being proud of that opened my eyes on my entire self-esteem situation; my art is actually good. People always say it looks really cool or is amazing, but I just deny them because of my low self-esteem, fear of looking like an egotistical jerk and extreme bias against my work. The things I drew were a few sketches of an owl character that I made- I had no anatomical reference to base them off of, and could only use my memory; they came out surprisingly good and i've felt extremely happy the entire day just because of that.
Sorry if it sounds like i'm bragging or something, I really don't want it to sound like that- I just get kind of repetitive and eager to explain myself when excited; it's a bit harder to hold down my autism.
Hi, I have deep, unmoving, unrelentingly cruel emotional problems topped with only a small smidge of confidence and a big heaping dollop of no self-esteem; don't forget the side order of self-deprecation!

LDer Charles
Posts: 34
Joined: 09 Oct 2017 13:40

Re: Er, Hi?

Postby LDer Charles » 18 Oct 2017 16:21

DAL_nug wrote:It's just kind of a caricature of myself holding a pointed index finger against the general area of my chin, not really anything meaningful.
On a slight change of topic, just today I've finally drawn something which I was instantly proud of. And somehow just being proud of that opened my eyes on my entire self-esteem situation; my art is actually good. People always say it looks really cool or is amazing, but I just deny them because of my low self-esteem, fear of looking like an egotistical jerk and extreme bias against my work. The things I drew were a few sketches of an owl character that I made- I had no anatomical reference to base them off of, and could only use my memory; they came out surprisingly good and i've felt extremely happy the entire day just because of that.
Sorry if it sounds like i'm bragging or something, I really don't want it to sound like that- I just get kind of repetitive and eager to explain myself when excited; it's a bit harder to hold down my autism.


That's great man. Thanks for sharing. I'm not really great at drawing in a technical sense for the subject matter of my drawings lately has been trying to draw monsters

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Summerlander
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Re: Er, Hi?

Postby Summerlander » 19 Oct 2017 03:03

What an insightful thread. I have low self-esteem and fear looking like an egotistical jerk, too. That's because deep down I know I'm an egotistical jerk. It gets worse when that negative voice in my head confirms everything that I already know I'm not. People say, 'Focus on your best attributes!' Well ... there aren't any because there is absolutely nothing that I like about myself. Then I think, 'Why am I bothering to occupy space?'
"Empty cognizance of one taste, suffused with knowing, is your unmistaken nature, the uncontrived original state. when not altering what is, allow it to be as it is, and the awakened state is right now spontaneously present."

- Padmasambhava

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Re: Er, Hi?

Postby DAL_nug » 19 Oct 2017 16:22

Summerlander wrote:What an insightful thread.

I honestly didn't expect this thread to go on this long, it just started as an awkward introduction and I guess it developed more into a sort of emotional explanation.
This may be slightly off topic, but I haven't had good sleep for over a week; the most I've had was three hours, and the least was literally none.
That's probably the reason I haven't had a dream for... 9 days.
On the other hand, since I've been holding off sleep so much, I got an idea late one night to use my watch's stopwatch to notify me to reality check every ten minutes, since after that amount of time passes my watch makes a little 'beep' sound.
Meditating has also gotten somewhat awkward for some reason, and I don't have any idea why other than too much stress is making me less patient so I move or itch or do something disruptive to my relaxation.

Not really sure if I should still be posting updates on this thread, but I don't exactly know where else to put them where they'll be relevant
Last edited by DAL_nug on 19 Oct 2017 21:10, edited 1 time in total.
Hi, I have deep, unmoving, unrelentingly cruel emotional problems topped with only a small smidge of confidence and a big heaping dollop of no self-esteem; don't forget the side order of self-deprecation!

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Summerlander
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Re: Er, Hi?

Postby Summerlander » 19 Oct 2017 20:20

DAL_nug wrote:
Summerlander wrote:What an insightful thread.

I honestly didn't expect this thread to go on this long, it just started as an awkward introduction and I guess it developed more into a sort of emotional explanation.


You've got a good description of experience and great feedback. I usually check out long threads (even if they are just intros) anyway because I know the chances of something interesting going on are higher. I think you should be chuffed with this outcome, mate! 8-)

This may be slightly off topic, but I haven't had good sleep for over a week; the most i've had was three hours, and the least was literally none.
That's probably the reason I haven't had a dream for... 9 days.
On the other hand, since i've been holding off sleep so much, I got an dea late one night to use my watch's stopwatch to notify me to reality check every ten minutes, since after that amount of time passes my watch makes a little 'beep' sound.
Meditating has also gotten somewhat awkward for some reason, and I don't have any idea why other than too much stress is making me less patient so I move or itch or do something disruptive to my relaxation.

Not really sure if I should still be posting updates on this thread, but I don't exactly know where else to put them where they'll be relevant


By all means do post updates here. The thing with meditation is that you must be relaxed and as you rightly said, stress goes against it. I know exactly what you mean from experience. But we must cultivate that still awareness that accepts every percept without judgement. We must seek the present moment without chasing any enticing mental narrative.

The state we want is one where we witness thoughts arise and fall away as we effortlessly observe---as opposed to our default state of daydreaming where we mindlessly think without knowing that we are thinking.

In short, we want lucidity in waking life, too. ;)
"Empty cognizance of one taste, suffused with knowing, is your unmistaken nature, the uncontrived original state. when not altering what is, allow it to be as it is, and the awakened state is right now spontaneously present."

- Padmasambhava

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DAL_nug
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Re: Er, Hi?

Postby DAL_nug » 19 Oct 2017 21:39

Summerlander wrote:But we must cultivate that still awareness that accepts every percept without judgement.
We must seek the present moment without chasing any enticing mental narrative.
The state we want is one where we witness thoughts arise and fall away as we effortlessly observe---as opposed to our default state of daydreaming where we mindlessly think without knowing that we are thinking.
In short, we want lucidity in waking life, too. ;)

Could you slightly elaborate on this?
I think I vaguely get what you're trying to say but your word choice kind of confused me
Hi, I have deep, unmoving, unrelentingly cruel emotional problems topped with only a small smidge of confidence and a big heaping dollop of no self-esteem; don't forget the side order of self-deprecation!

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Re: Er, Hi?

Postby DAL_nug » 26 Oct 2017 18:19

Just a quick update, I finally had a dream yesterday while taking a nap after almost two weeks of not having one and I am really happy
and the best thing is, I think I was actually lucid for what I could tell to be 6ish seconds in it
I was starting to lose hope in my ability but this completely replenished it
I was describing it to my friends on discord so I'll just copy and paste the text from the chat log
- - -
So I went to a town by a beach (like the town is literally a road away from the beach) that looked like the beach club
and nearby there was a Buddhist monastery
I walk up the steps to the main door
and opened it to a room labeled 'the minority'
I think my brain was trying to make a pun
anyways
there was a sliding door that when opened led into a gigantic room that looked like my lunchroom
but with a giant ceiling and arches like grand central station
it was still the same material as my lunchroom too
like beige painted cement bricks and normal white cement bricks
with windows going all the way up
and there were people in robes all over the place sitting on the plastic seats with the crap tables
presumably Buddhist monks
going on
I looked for ~30 seconds then turned around back through the door into the minority
when I went through the main door I saw a man coming up the steps holding a box
he looked dishevelled and lanky
I was hesitating if I should open the door or not
but I then just passed him
and I don't know where he went
probably back into the abyss of my mind
then
I walked a little further
and kind of crumpled up and tumbled down the 6 stairs leading up to the main door
and a passing group of kids laughed at me
I then went over to the beach ignoring them and they followed me
I don't remember much of what happened but I remember I was entertaining them
then a group of 20-year-old looking guys came over
and one said something I can't remember with the words "funny man" in the sentence
then we started play strangling
like he was pretending to strangle me
and I spat out sandy clean non-water for some reason
and when he piledrived me
I don't know what happened
but it was kind of like he pushed me through the fabric of the dream
my head was in this endless blue sideways ocean and for a second I was really surprised
and I thought
"is this a lucid dream?"
before I was pulled back out
with everyone's faces in shock
I felt oddly more conscious when in that space
like I actually knew what was happening but I was really really confused
continuing
the guy who was playstrangling me said something like "whoa dude, I heard that from the outside(?), come to my place later!"
the last thing I remember was standing in front of a wooden door comparable to a log cabin's
then I woke up
I had to think for a few seconds before I thought
"HOLY CRAP I JUST HAD A DREAM"
and scrambled for my journal to write it all down
- - -
before this I had an absolutely horrible morning
I had to actually go home from school because I was so miserable
but wow this picked me up
I am actually a lot more eager to keep up with this now that I know I can possibly become lucid again
this only felt like a taste of lucidity though, since it was so short I was really confused when it happened and couldn't take advantage of it
but hey, i'm making progress after a standstill so that's still something
Hi, I have deep, unmoving, unrelentingly cruel emotional problems topped with only a small smidge of confidence and a big heaping dollop of no self-esteem; don't forget the side order of self-deprecation!


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